Ecclesiastes & Elon Musk

I have recently stumbled upon Elon Musk while going down a deep YouTube rabbit hole.

His characteristics pulled me in and hypnotized me straight away as i find his body language to be somewhat strange yet enticing.

I find him quite charming and yet vulnerable and couldn’t help but emphasize with him on his need/want to make this world a better place.

During his recent podcast with Joe Rogan I couldn’t help but pick up on the fact he seemed quite depressed & unhappy within himself.

Unable to stop the racing thoughts and idea’s and almost seemed scared to even attempt to if given the opportunity.

Even though (Through research) i have found out that Musk is Atheist and holds no belief in God (Using the ‘Who created God’ question) I couldn’t help but see the similarity between Musk & the author of Ecclesiastes.

Like the author of Ecclesiastes quotes:

The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun

Or in New English terms:

What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;there is nothing new under the sun.

You may think that Elon Musks creations are new & indeed they are spectacular, but the ideas are taking something we already have and making it into something better.

So self driven cars, using camera’s and GPS is giving the car eyes like a human and the intelligence of GPS for navigation behind it like the human mind. Yes the technology is new, but the basis behind it is ultimately giving the car a brain and eyes- shortened down,it gives it AI.

It’s every person dream right? to be accepted, adored, admired, bottomless money, fame, riches? But if we look at the suicide rate, drug abuse and rehab news headlines centred around celebrities globally, it paints a very bleak, darker picture.

If we listen to the podcast with Joe Rogan and many interviews with Elon, we can see Elon is trying to make the world a better place with his intelligence and creations, even stating all the world needs is Love- which if you read your bibles is the most important commandment Jesus gave “Love God above anything else & Love your neighbours as you love your self”

Technology now a days, it can prolong life, we are living longer- but like most things made for good it is ultimalty making the world worse.

Social media, Pharmaceutical drugs, cars, etc which are now leading causes of Depression, Anxiety, destroying the O zone layer, prolonging life causing more mental or physical problems. With everything that humans create to help make an easier existence for us, when we try and be like God, it always seems to or can take a very sinister turn, even when we are doing it for the great of good.

Like the Tower of Babble, we can see how that ended.

The author of Ecclesiastes paints a bleak picture in which he repeats how meaningless life is.

He wanted to have unlimited knowledge, woman, power and money. He wanted to eat of the tree of knowledge and enjoy its fruits but instead it left a very sour taste in his mouth.

He quotes:

I, the Teacher, was king of Israel, and I lived in Jerusalem. I devoted myself to search for understanding and to explore by wisdom everything being done under heaven. I soon discovered that God has dealt a tragic existence to the human race. I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind. What is wrong cannot be made right. What is missing cannot be recovered. I said to myself, “Look, I am wiser than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. I have greater wisdom and knowledge than any of them.” So I set out to learn everything from wisdom to madness and folly. But I learned firsthand that pursuing all this is like chasing the wind. The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.
Ecclesiastes 1:12‭-‬18 NLT

To increase my knowledge only increases my sorrow? i mean, wow that is deep!

Elon Musk admits this saying ” You wouldn’t to be like me” to Joe Rogan, describing how his mind never switches off.

The Author of Ecclesiastes continues

Some people work wisely with knowledge and skill, then must leave the fruit of their efforts to someone who hasn’t worked for it. This, too, is meaningless, a great tragedy. So what do people get in this life for all their hard work and anxiety? Their days of labor are filled with pain and grief; even at night their minds cannot rest. It is all meaningless. So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him? God gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy to those who please him. But if a sinner becomes wealthy, God takes the wealth away and gives it to those who please him. This, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind.
Ecclesiastes 2:21‭-‬26 NLT

Elon Musk is a self confessed workaholic! Working a 120 hour week & yet while he may be reaping the fruits of his labour in money, life is meaningless if you havent found love, virtue,balance & God. He said in an interview opening up about his personal life,

“If I’m not in love, if I’m not with a long-term companion, I cannot be happy,” he told Rolling Stone. “I will never be happy without having someone. Going to sleep alone kills me. It’s not like I don’t know what that feels like: Being in a big empty house, and the footsteps echoing through the hallway, no one there – and no one on the pillow next to you. F–. How do you make yourself happy in a situation like that?”

All the wisdom in the world can never fill the void of an empty heart.

All the money in the world cannot bring meaningful relationships.

All the work in the world does not complete the labour.

The only true peace you can find is in God, but you will still have your battles, but knowning the battle is already won unlike the author of Ecclesiastes did, brings peace in a chaotic world.

As it goes onto say in Ecclesiastes

What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.
Ecclesiastes 3:9‭-‬15 NLT

Don’t get me wrong, we need these geniuses in the world, the people who see a different perspective, an innovative mind.

But i just pray these people don’t lose themselves trying to find the answers, because as we know, taking from the tree of knowledge isn’t always the wisest option.

I will let Solomon finish my blog.

“Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless.” Keep this in mind: The Teacher was considered wise, and he taught the people everything he knew. He listened carefully to many proverbs, studying and classifying them. The Teacher sought to find just the right words to express truths clearly. The words of the wise are like cattle prods—painful but helpful. Their collected sayings are like a nail-studded stick with which a shepherd drives the sheep. But, my child, let me give you some further advice: Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out. That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad.
Ecclesiastes 12:8‭-‬14 NLT

Jesus Wept.

Although the story of God on earth is an incredible one, i have always found a struggle in trying to relate in any sort of way to Jesus.

I related to most of the biblical characters on some sort of level, their struggles and pains, their imperfections and flaws, but Jesus, he was different- which of course was precisely the point…

I guess its an impossible task in reality, how can any human relate to God? Sure, we are his image bearers, but we could never truly understand on an emotional or intellectual level, God thoughts, for they are not our own.

Sinless on Earth, leading a perfect example and eternal legacy. Fully God yet fully Man, sure he got angry and flipped those tables, but it was a righteous anger, not one of malice or Jealously. Not a human response but a Godly display.

We hear about God getting angry alot in the Bible, You could say the Old testament displays Gods wrath.

But the shortest most poignant verse i have ever come across is:

John 11:35

Jesus Wept.

After losing his friend Lazarus, even though Jesus has every intention of raising him from the dead, Jesus Wept.

Maybe he wept for the grief of others, as Mary and Martha wailed and grieved, maybe Jesus was overwhelmed with human emotion for their loss.

But i like to think at that moment Jesus was experiencing a fully human emotion, weeping for the one thing Sin had claimed, Death.

It’s in that instance we can a relate to our God, for a grief brought on by death is an almost insufferable feeling, an impairable pain, a feeling of loss, despair and deep emotional turmoil, to think at that moment our God grieved the same way we do, its almost hard to imagine.

Death is the one thing sin claimed, but the one thing Jesus has overcome. This small but powerful verse “Jesus Wept” made Jesus completely human at that moment, a completely relatable human being, God grieved with us.

And it was at that moment, I related.

Thank you God.

Hope amoungst the wreckage.

Meet Horatio Gates Spafford.

Haratio was a prominent American lawyer and Presbyterian Church elder.

He is also someone i like to refer to as a “Modern day Job”

For those of you not familiar with the story Job, Job was a man of God. He had everything- land, live stock, a good family and was truly blessed by God. The Devil then asked God if he could torment Job, he wanted to prove that Job would disown God if he didn’t have all the blessings God had bestowed apon him.

God agreed.

Job lost his family, his live stock, his hope- But not once did he curse God, not even during the terrible advice his friends gave him, claiming Job had brought these calamities on himself due to his sinful nature, although we know that wasn’t the case, the Bible describes Job as “Blameless and upright, He feared God (Feared meaning respected) and shunned evil. Instead, Job stood by God during the trials, not once turning his back although hurting immensely.

In the end, God restored everything Job had to full capacity, blessing him more than ever before – and then some.

Got questions wraps it up like this:

https://www.gotquestions.org
Perhaps the greatest lesson we learn from the book of Job is that God does not have to answer to anyone for what He does or does not do. Job’s experience teaches us that we may never know the specific reason for suffering, but we must trust in our sovereign, holy, righteous God. His ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30). Since God’s ways are perfect, we can trust that whatever He does—and whatever He allows—is also perfect. We can’t expect to understand God’s mind perfectly, as He reminds us, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. . . . For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8–9)

Or how Matt Chandler puts it in his new book ” Take Heart- Christian courage in the age of unbelief”

Saint Augustine, the fourth-century bishop of Hippo, said that to be human is to have your face pushed up against a stained-glass window. You see some color, but you see a lot of glass fragments. It is only given to God and those who are with him to be back far enough to see the whole window. To put it differently, to tell God the Father that he should do things differently is to step into a three-hour-long movie for two seconds, and then step back out and lecture the director on the storyline. That’s what it’s like. You just don’t know, and he—the fountain of life—does.

As my husband says “You christians love a metaphor!” As you can tell, he doesn’t share the shame faith i do….But its an easier way to say we won’t always understand God’s great big plan- we see a tiny fragment, a blip of life in a 7,000 year old (Young Earth creationist) or 6 billion year old (Old earth) plan.

This now brings me to the story of Horatio Gates Spafford, Christian and well established Lawyer.

Married to Anne Larsen, the Spaffords where well known in Chicago – a prominent lawyer and a senior partner in a large and thriving law firm, they had it all.

The Spaffords invested in some real estate in the spring of 1871. But it wasn’t to be and in the October of that same year “The Great Fire of Chicago” reduced the city to ashes – including most of the Spaffords sizeable investment.

Fast forward some time later another tragedy was to hit the family, Scarlett Fever claimed the life of his 4 year old son. Could you imagine the absoulte devastation?

Horatio decided to take his family on a Holiday, sometimes getting away from it all can be refreshing for the soul. He decided to go to England where his good friend D.L.Moody would be preaching.

Because of buisness, he was delayed, but he sent his wife and his 4 daughters ahead of him, 11 year old Annie, 9 year old Maggie, 5 year old Bessie and 2 year old Tanetta.

On the 22 of November 1873, while crossing the Atlantic on the steamship “Ville du Havre” their ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel and 226 people lost their lives, including Horatio’s 4 daughters, his wife survived.

Once arriving in England she sent a telegram to her husband beginning “Survived alone” What harrowing words they must of been to read.

Stafford then sailed to England, having to go over the location all 4 of his children lost their lives.

The staffords went on to have another daughter, Bertha, who claims after all his loss, during that awful journey to England after losing almost everything, he wrote the well known hymn “It is well with my soul”

The original manuscript only has 4 verses and more have been added on over time, but the original verses go:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain:) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
(Refrain)
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(Refrain)
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pain shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
(Refrain)
And Lord haste the day, when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

One more tradgey was still to come, They lost another child to Scarlett fever, their son Horatio Goertner died at just aged 3.

Out of the 8 children they had altogether, only 2 lived to old age. Their daughters Bertha and Grace.

So out of all this tragedy what hope they did have left?

After their at sea ordeal, Horatio and Anna became religious outsiders. They left their Presbyterian congregation and held faith based prayer meetings at their house. Their messianic sect was dubbed “The overcomers” by American press.

In August 1881, the Staffords set out for Jerusalem. A party of 13 adults and 3 children they set up an American colony. Reaching out to people of all religions, they gained the trust of Muslims, Jewish and Christian communities and engaged in philanthropic work (welfare of others) amongst the community of Jerusalem.

They went on to adopt 2 boys, both named Jacob.

What legacy did they leave by doing this?

During WW1 the American colony played a critical role in supporting Muslim,Jewish and Christian communities of Jerusalem through the great sufferings and deprivations of Eastern front by running soup kitchens, hospitals, orphanages and other charitable ventures.

From this devastating story of loss came a story of Hope.

Although the Spaffords lost numerous children, their jobs and money, they continued walking continuously with God. Through their afflictions came life, think of the numerous lives saved during WW1 with the American colony they had opened, which came hospitals, orphanages and charities.

And a song to which is personally one of the moving hymns i have ever sang – to sing “It is well with my soul” with all the tradgey the family had suffered?!

A modern day Job truly.

The Staffords where used in a truly profound way, a way that they might have never lived to see, a way that during their live time felt like a life time of strife and destruction, but God had a bigger plan and even though they lost numerous children (although not lost, but with God now) they saved an amount unknown but could be thousands of lives in the american colony they went on to open.

Some times Gods plan is bigger than our life span and we suffer hurts we may never understand in this life time- but take courage in the fact there is a plan.

Amongst the wreckage, there is hope.

https://youtu.be/0nJ6wQpLmuo

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

Have you ever been rude to someone? Gave and expected something in return? Used someone for company? Lashed out in anger? Been lazy in a friendship? broken a promise? Prideful? Boastful? Nasty? stolen?

Have you ever been on the receiving end of it?

I bet you have, no wait, I know you have!

Why? because we are human.

Does it mean you still have to converse with someone who you feel treats you in a disrespectful way?

No. Sometimes people walk out of our lives and there is nothing we can do about it. Sometimes the friendship/ relationship is abusive and leaving them is the only answer.

So should we give up on every person who treats us badly? Even if they keep repeating the offence?

I think not.

And here is why:

FORGIVENESS IS THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON WE POSSESS- THE MOST POWERFUL TESTIMONY WE CAN PROVIDE, THE ONLY THING THAT HEALS US, BREAKS DOWN OUR PRIDE AND SHOWS SACRIFICIAL LOVE.

Biblically it says:

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

Seventy times seven is not a literal number, its a metaphor meaning- No matter how many times a person does wrong to you, you should forgive them always- it even goes further to say:

Matthew 6:14-15

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

You don’t even need the Bible to see how forgiveness is good for you-

“The good news: Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.”

That’s science! It literally HEALS the body!

That isn’t to say you should stay in an abusive relationship or a friendship where you feel emotional abused or even physically- But holding on to a hatred for that person is only damaging yourself and your own well being. Sometimes you can be physically away from a person but still emotionally attached – bound together by the hatred and hurt, you know as well as I, you don’t need to see someone daily to still feel attached to them in some sort of way- maybe spiritually attached is what i am getting at.

Let

That

Go

and

Forgive.

Every person has a story! In fact one of the most powerful stories i watched recently was on a documentary on BB2 about death row.

Kenneth Williams was a convicted murderer, he had murdered 3 people on separate occasions and then a forth he later admitted too while in prison.

One of the people Kenneth took the life of was Michael Greenwood, A father to 5 year old Kayla Greenwood at the time. While escaping prison, he entered there family home and killed Michael in cold blood.

Kayla grew up knowing her father had been brutally murdered, she had every right to feel angry, disgusted, hurt- her father had been taken away from her in a random attack and now the man, Kenneth Williams was on death row, about to get what he deserved- Death.

But Kayla did the unthinkable- she forgave her fathers killer.

So much so, she took Kenneths daughter and grandchild to see him the day before his execution, hugging her in an emotional embrace, Connected in a profound way – They had both lost their fathers, but their was no hate or malice, only forgiveness and love.

Kayla, when asked why she forgave Kenneth said: “

“I don’t believe killing someone after someone’s death has already happened is God’s way.”

“I told him [Williams] we forgive him and where I stood on it, When he found out that we were bringing his daughter and granddaughter to see him and that my mom and [step-dad] bought the tickets, he was crying to the attorney.

He was sad he couldn’t talk to us.”

A once callous, evil murderer, now brought to tears through the forgiveness of one of his victims family.

Now that is a POWERFUL story!

What would bitterness and being angry achieve?

Kenneth was put to death the next day – during his time in jail he had become a born again christian and was said to be praying and speaking in tongues before the lethal injection was administered. I guess God will only know if the conversion was true.

Forgiveness,

It doesn’t make you a doormat.

It doesn’t mean you are being taken forgranted.

It doesn’t mean you don’t have love for yourself.

Its one of the hardest things you might have to do – but it is also the bravest,strongest, best self love you can achieve.

submit to one another- In love and kindness and forgiveness.

It could save a marriage, a friendship, a family, your health, your heart, your mind.

So think about it – Who are you going to forgive today?

I Am Barabbas.

I find it increasingly fascinating in a world so far gone from God, people are still coming to Christ.

I read testimony after testimony simply because they inspire and ignite something in me i can only describe as my soul.

So much so, I have now started a Facebook Page called “I Am Barabbas” soley dedicated to christian testimonies.

People have questioned my reasoning for naming the page something so “#unchristian” Why would i dedicate a page of christian testimonies and name it after the murderer who was set free…well, that is the excate reason, like every person who is in Christ, Jesus took his place, our place, we own him our lives, he set us free, him free, we are Barabbas.

Now i have cleared that one up- Would anyone like to share with me there testimony so i can share it with the world?

A testimony is a gift from God- we are encouraged to share our testimony with the world.

2 Timothy 1:8 infact.

so far the page is a work in progress, set up 4 days ago- i am prayfully giving it to God hoping it will glorify him and give hope to unbelievers.

If you would like to get involved, please comment below or even message me on the Facebook page itself linked here :https://www.facebook.com/I-Am-Barabbas-398491047229572/

Who knows what your testimony could do? who knows who it could inspire? Who knows how God is going to use you today ❤

His Grace is Enough!

Recently, My belief has come under attack & not by who you might think.

The person is myself.

I am a doubting Thomas and i am not ashamed to admit that.

If Jesus was to appear to me now, id ask to see his scars, put my fingers in the cuts- I am not a “Blessed who hasn’t seen but still believes” kinda gal, I’m a “question everything and even doubt my own reasoning” kinda gal.

I have deep profound questions, questions i may never have the answers for in this life- i like to question everything and i have a skill at truly tormenting myself.

Recently while google searching, I typed in “I’ve read the Bible, but don’t feel i have absorbed it” I don’t know what i was hoping id come across, maybe someone similar to me who feels that way inclined too.

I mean, i couldn’t chapter and verse you at the top of my head, I don’t have all the answers for apparent contradictions, some chapters i find hard to understand, some stories i find difficult to take on-board- i am a typically flawed human! A typically flawed Christian.

While searching i stumbled upon a heart felt plea “When I don’t read the Bible I constantly feel purposeless and alone. When I do read the Bible I constantly feel anxious and guilty. What should I do”

Reading further people had replied with what they deemed as loving, helpful answers, but one caught my eye, it said “I actually grew up a Christian, and I myself went through the same feelings you have and then-some. I was suicidal at one point in my life because I felt like a hypocrite (after all, when you read something everyday that tells you that you are an inherent sinner, you may very well start thinking lowly of yourself). I tried to cope by praying and asking for forgiveness, but that didn’t seem to do anything for me because I kept making the same mistakes. After years of tribulation, and in all honesty, doubt that the God of the Bible existed, I decided to call it quits in my faith. ”

Sometimes God uses the oppisite responses to reel me back in – his ways truly aren’t like ours because in that moment of reading this mans testimonial of leaving his faith i found my soul shouting;

GRACE IS ENOUGH!

I am still dumbfounded when people don’t understand whats so different about Christianity to any other religion.

In Christianity God has rescued us from ourselves.

In any other religion, you are aimlessly striving to be a good person and endlessly failing with no one to save you.

There is no earning our place in heaven.

No good deeds we could do to redeem ourselves.

Grace, that wonderful word! That name i gave as a middle name to my daughter to remind myself daily of how truly blessed i am for my Daughter and For my God.

Grace, the word that means;

ALTHOUGH I AM A SINNER

ALTHOUGH I WILL NEVER GET IT RIGHT

ALTHOUGH I WILL ALWAYS WANT WHATS BAD FOR MY SOUL

ALTHOUGH MY MIND WILL ALWAYS BE CORRUPTED

ALTHOUGH I WILL FAIL EVERY SINGLE COMMANDANT DAILY

GRACE HAS ME COVERED.

GRACE IS ENOUGH.

Once you come to understand Grace, you will understand you will NEVER hit the mark, but Jesus paid the price and Grace is a Gift to say “Hey, yes you are a sinner, yes you will sin daily even after becoming a Christian, but i have given you this perfect undeserving gift called Grace through Jesus’s death on the cross, its called a gift because you could never earn it, it was given and through this gift called Grace, you are forgiven, you are reborn, you are a son/daughter of God and any further sin you commit and repent of is covered by my Grace”

Obviously this doesn’t mean we can go out murdering people, stealing or treating people wrong- i believe in true conversion you wouldn’t want to and if you ever did, would truly be devastated in your downfall and convicted.

You don’t earn Gods forgiveness or love through works. Being a good person, giving to charity, feeding the homeless, although attributes of God’s love, will never buy your way into heaven.

No

Believing in Jesus & Repenting of your sins- that is all you need to do.

Then you will recieve Gods Grace.

So you have no need to feel guilty- you are covered by Gods Grace.

You have no need to feel like a hypocrite- You are covered by Gods Grace.

You are allowed to doubt, you are allowed to question, you are allowed to be a doubting Thomas…

You will sin daily- You are allowed to feel weak, Thankfully the terms and conditions of salvation are, if you are truly saved, Jesus’s blood has atoned you- Thank God for Grace.

I will leave you with a Paul Washer video i stumbled across the other day….

https://youtu.be/BU6-PH8dz8U

Jesus is & will always be ENOUGH.

His Grace is Enough.

My pretty average Testimony ❤

**Pre warning- this does not contain a vision of Jesus, a lighting bolt moment, no special visions, no ‘hearing the voice of God’ No divine healing or prosperity, im still pretty poor- no death defining moment, no bright lights at the end of the tunnel….so if you are looking for that, you’ll be highly disappointed**

Now we have covered that- I think I’ll go ahead and share.

My Mum & Dad became Christians when i was around 8 years old.

I got dragged to church every Sunday, it was awful! The church sunday school was cold! The biscuits where almost always stale and sometimes we would get juice that was so watered down it tasted like drain water. The sermons i honestly don’t remember, but i do remember doing a pretty good dance to “The name of the lord is, a strong tower….” i owned those moves.

Then the church fell apart due to a circumstance i won’t blog about, but it was pretty bad- but not as bad as the stale biscuits and juice.

I then met a christian friend & started attending her Pentecostal church- this was in high school so i must of been around 12-13. I got baptised and it was pretty insignificant- which is awful i know, but i was too young to fully understand what i was doing and if i am 100% honest only attened the church because it had boys there and i went to an all girls school. What i do remember about my baptism is the water was cold and i had an awful hair cut and literally looked like Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters.

I fell away from the faith around 15 when i got my first proper boyfriend. Not that i can really say i was in the faith to begin with! I had no understanding of what i believed in nor did i have any real interest. It just wasn’t my thing.

I then went through “My dark years” as i like to refer to them as. I became a typical teenager/ young adult. There was no mention of God in those years, infact, i was very much interested in the opposite. I went to mediums/spiritualist, i practised the occult, i read as much as i could about the paranormal, i kind of thrived off it, it gave me a buzz.

That all came to an abrupt end when dabbling to much in the occult and spirit guides (Don’t ask), i heard what can only be described as a disembodied voice making a drawn out, deep, last breath sound behind me twice- literally the sound of someone dying and there lungs completely emptying every ounce of air out of their lungs… and it was then I could actually understand the saying “Hairs standing on end” as i thought my heart was going to come out my chest in the absoulte sheer fear of it all and my hair was almost electrified on end…. its a noise I never want to experience again!!

That shocked and scared all interest in the paranormal out of me- it made me think twice about what i really knew about this earth and the afterlife.

Even though i had experienced this i still called myself an ” Atheist” The subject of God INFURIATED me, i also hated christians. To me they where a really weird bunch of people. Like tree huggers except worse. I couldn’t cope with all the “Jesus loves you” crap, they made me laugh hysterically and had an awful taste in trainers.

With my new partner now husband, id go round weekly to my parents and always end up having heated arguments with my Dad about God. Sometimes id leave in a rage, what aload of old aged crap! Jesus was obviously the dynamo of their time and the easierly fooled sheep wanted someone to call God – i had sussed it all out.

It got to the point though were my Dad would get me so enraged i wanted to prove him wrong. Id made my mind up, my Dad was going down!!!

I went to the library and booked out “The Bible for dummies” There was no way i was going to read the whole bible and this had pictures so it was winner winner chicken dinner!

Coming out the library i waited at the traffic lights and what the hell would you look at that?! the cars number plate infront of me was Goddd11 or something similar to that (this is going back almost 3 years- all i remember was it said Goddd) it did make me stop and think, but who cares, it was just a coincidence- move along.

I got home and opened the book and this light shot out and an angel sang and im totally lieing none of that happened, but i did open the book and it was a start.

I started to read…and read….and read and read and read and i couldn’t put it down! It was so interesting and not like the stories i remembered being told. Andy thought id gone insane and i think i had started to question my sanity too.

I then started reading about saul who soon became the apostle Paul- i related to him in such a deep way. I found him so relevant to today’s society- it was almost like he had a time machine and was talking about the 21 century.

Jesus was still a stranger to me- id fallen for Paul’s story, but Jesus, that took time, maybe because everything i thought i knew was actually different to what i was reading. Jesus i learnt about back in sunday school was a completey different Jesus i read about now… and don’t even get me started on God because that was even more confusing.

Paul led me to Jesus….imagine dying over 1,900 years ago and still leading people to Jesus.

Obviously if we go deeper God has used paul to lead me to him- BUT ANYWAY, lets keep this light hearted.

After finishing the book, i got down on my knees and i prayed…i don’t know what had changed but something did. It was like i was seeing the world through new eyes….

I actually needed glasses but thats a different story.

and then the convictions came flooding in too. I realised i was a pretty disgusting, awful person. I don’t even say that lightly, i had done some awful things, things i am so terribly sorry for now. I don’t even recognise the person i was. I feel detached. I was so ashamed.

Finding a church was a difficult one, mainly because i was the only Christian i knew and im abit of an introvert, like i am incredible awkward. My awkwardness makes myself feel awkward. So i did what Christians do and i prayed about it.

Next thing i know, im intouch via one of Andys friends,who’s work friend (Hi Ben), goes to a church where i live and he would be my new christian buddy and introducer to the new church. It just so happend he attended the church i use to go to! The Pentecostal church i went to when i was 13 upwards. Now i don’t know how many churches there are where i live but that is a pretty mad occurrence.

I started attending and then i stopped and then i started again and i am currently in the stopped stage due to life,children and laziness.

I am still growing in my faith- I cannot say i am where i want to be or where i should be right now.

I want to work around a faith based industry- but i think i have some growing to do and also finding that kind of job isn’t easy.

I think my friends all feel i have “lost the plot” and i am currently known as the ” Weird, but in a good way” friend.

My Dad and I finally have something in common and now we argue about the different denominations ( as he is a Calvinist) so the irony is we still argue, but now we are on the same team *High Five*

I’ve read so many books now based on the Christian faith, id say im about 75% through the Bible, I still have alot of old testament reading to complete and as you can imagine, its very easy to let old Jeremiah take a back seat for awhile.

I still question my faith. I know there is a God, that i am 100% convinced,its just a “Knowing” like an instinct of the heart and like Paul said “You are without excuse” when i try and rationalize the creative order of the world, how finely tuned it is, the miracle of life itself, i truly am without excuse.

Im still trying to get to know my homie, Jesus. Some day’s i feel distant, a stranger,other days i feel a belonging, or knowing of him. This is purely through not reading the word as much as i should and i know i need discipline

Id say my testimony is incomplete, or a “to be continued” as i feel there is so much more i can do, so many more paths i need to go on, A friendship i still need to build- what i am certain of is that, a dead man called paul lead me to faith & my life has been different ever since.

Featuring- A mini Dave Grohl me.

Rise Again

Faint whispers float through the air,

Whimsical flickers in time and space,

With breath detached from human lungs,

He breathes life in a new place.

The atom starts to come alive,

Vibrations through the void,

hands spread through darkness,

A once empty mass,

Now an earth not to be destroyed.

Life starts to flourish quickly,

Water and land now detached,

Plants and animals placed carefully,

Two humans perfectly matched.

On Earth he walks through the land,

No separation has taken place,

Just one rule to keep and follow,

No longer will he hide his face.

But temptation is to tempting,

We’d forgotten our promise to you,

And just like that we felt ashamed,

You removed your presence too.

A curse came apon the land,

Blood cried into the ground,

As death ravished all it took,

No safety to be found.

As sin came in onto this earth,

Floods of fears swept in the quickness,

Humans mind now consumed,exposed,

an entity of sickness.

We failed and failed at doing right,

we knew we’d need a saviour,

Because even with your guiding hand,

we couldn’t change our behaviour.

So a man you sent down to the earth,

with no beauty to bare a distraction,

But as a double edge sword, he made his mark,

An bore a different kind of attraction.

He healed the sick, he spoke words of truth,

he spoke of forgiveness and love,

to believe in him, repent our sins,

and to place faith in God above.

Fully God yet fully man,

A scape goat onto our sins,

He gave his life apon the cross,

Death has lost as love wins.

3 days he stayed inside the grave,

until he rose again,

Death been beaten

angels rejoice and sing,

A new beginning for for women & men.

10 things an emtophobic wish you knew….

After my recent bout of emtophobia, i decided to monitor what really got my spikes going, what hacks me off,starts my panic attacks and basically what controls my mental well-being.

There can be many triggers like i am sure most people are aware of who suffer with some sort of phobia or aniexty disorder.

Some are obvious, some are innocent and some p*ss me off to my core!!!

So here are: 10 things an Emtophobic wish you knew:

1) “My Son/Daughter was throwing up all night, but seems okay today so i’ve brought them to school/party/your house” Nope!!! Back the flip away before i spray you with my all power fresh multi purpose dettol!!! Doctors guide lines are keep vomitting children away from others for at least 48 HOURS AFTER THIER LAST VOMITING EPISODE to stop the chances of spreading and who am I to argue with a doctor?! In my eyes right now, your child may aswell have some sort of zombie virus and is about to start the zombie apocalypse in a frenzied nora virus outbreak. If doctors tell you to stay away from a hospital/doctors surgery during a sickness bug, please use your common sense and stay away from me.

2. “Come on, don’t get so worked up! There is nothing to be afraid of!” Errrr negitive. This is a phobia, caused by IRRATIONAL thinking, i know my thoughts aren’t rational, i know technically there is nothing to be afraid of, but those reassuring words do not compute, abort abort abort… nothing you say is going to help me start thinking rationally

3. I will over analyse every piece of meat cooked, cutting and dissecting to see if it looks cooked. That chicken looks abit pink?! That sausage felt abit cool in the middle?!*throws whole dinner away in bin, panics and over analyses every stomach twinge for the next 24 hours*

4. “The yogurt sell by date said it went out of date yesterday” well throw that MF in the bin! Think im gonna put my health on the line to enjoy a curdled corner yogurt? No thanks.

“Yeah, but a sell by date is only a guide line for shops to know when to sell by and i don’t think you can get sick off a yogurt”

Aww, well you have just swayed my opinion and have cured 30 years of aniexty…oh no sorry that was a lie.THROW. THAT. MF. IN. THE. BIN.

5. How do you like your meat? Charcoaled and tastelss please. Seriously, if i see you cook that chicken for the recommended cooking time, in my mind you have just given me a death sentence. You better cook that chicken until it looks like its been to hell and back…and i’ll probably still over analyses and look for pink bits.

6. If one of my family members gets sick, you better believe for the next 2 weeks im going to be on starvation mode and anxiety over load. 2 weeks it can take the nora virus to stop being infectious in someone. 2 bloody weeks! So during that time my hands will resemeble a 90 year olds and my house will be cleaner than a covered up murder scene.

7. “Yeah, i got to drunk so i just went in the toliet and made myself sick and carried on” you did what? You insane mentalist! In my mind right now, you are crazier than me! But really i envy the fact you can just be so carefree about doing it while i monitor how much i drink to prevent getting myself into a frenzied panic attack or sickness episode.

8. “Can you stop googling your symptoms? You’ll make yourself ill!!” Well can you please tell that to my scared, mentally scarred, 5 year old inner child still terrified of eating apples because that was the last thing she ate before being violently sick once that triggered every panic attack about getting ill since. And don’t tell me I’ll make myself ill as a threat to stop me doing it, just reassure me! Just listen to me being irration and crazy and sympathise with me, do you think i want to think/be this way??

9. “Did you hear that (insert name) whole family got sick one after the other last week” nope i didn’t, but now i can’t unhear it and now im looking at my family like a ticking time bomb waiting for the dreaded “Mum, i feel sick” quote to be mentioned and now im going insane in my head, but im smiling at you like i have it altogether 😀.

10. Its so much more than a phobia, its a life alteration mess of insanity and lack of control. So you can just travel 24 hours on a plane and the most you have to worry about is how you will sleep on the flight? And theres me staring at a sick bag like its mocking me, I’m not worried incase this flight crashes down,im worried i might have to use that tiny little bag (like, why are they so small?) And go into a mini melt down, or if someone else gets ill near me and im trapped! Omg did i just hear a cough?! Did someone wretch?? *searches for parachute*

You can just take your kids to play in the park or indoor play area and theres me over analysing everything they touch or encounter.

You can just eat meat cooked perfectly,where as i will enjoy some veg with a side order of coal…i mean chicken.

I think you get the jist.

Being an emtophobic isn’t a choice, isn’t a way of life, isn’t something id choose to suffer from- so just listen to me while i over analyse, don’t get angry at me or call me crazy when i get anxious and please, stay the hell away from me when you are sick 😂✌ PEACE.

10 things I’ve realised since having a boy 💙

Boys! One thing i never envisioned was being a momma to a boy.

Whenever I glanced at my future I’d see barbies, rainbows, unicorns & doll house’s- the future was girly, the future was pink!

So when the ultrasound practitioner told me she defiantly saw a proud boy part floating about, I felt a little lost!

Sounds awful I know, I should just be happy to have a healthy bundle of baby in there…but when you have spent the last 25 years of your existence convincing yourself you’d be a momma to a girl, it took a little adjustment to detach myself from that idea.

But Boy, OH BOY!! it was the life adjustment I needed!

Life became messy, chaotic, smelly yet wonderful all at the same time.

The chaos was beautiful.

The pink girly things had taken a back burner and been replaced by dirt, toilet jokes and trucks.

And i have loved and still love every moment of it.

So, Here are: 10 things I’ve realised since having a boy 💙

1. Fart jokes, fart sounds, anything fart related=Winner. I mean, you are probably use to that with your partner/husband anyway…but there is something so much cuter about it when your little bundle of gas…I mean Joy finds it funny too! Civilised Sunday roast chit chat is replaced by fart jokes and sounds and you wonder if you’ll ever be allowed to eat out in public again.

2.You’ll probably spend the next 20 years of your life toliet training them. When we first decorated the downstairs toliet it looked awesome! Andy decided this was going to be the man’s toliet- no women allowed (which was fine by me, one less thing to clean!) It was decorated with super hero’s and the floor was all newly set down. Fast forward 2 weeks later….how do you get wee on the walls?? How is their wee on the floor behind the toliet? How had it removed some of the paint off the wall 😶 the room slowly became a hazard zone of toxicity- one I refused to set foot in on my own accord. When I questioned Ollie about it his simple reply was- ” OH Yeah, I missed the toliet!” Cheers, son! ( Don’t worry- it has been cleaned and sterilized since 😏)

3. Imaginary game play involves alot of explosions and fighting. When my son plays- he goes IN THE ZONE! There is no phasing him out! Bouncing around like a lunatic with his toy of choice close to his face followed by an array of explosive sounds and shouts! Everything becomes an action movie and he is the leading role.

4. Say goodbye to your new sofa. I am sure this doesn’t matter what sex they are- but the sofa becomes the most fun accessory to destroy! If it isnt jumping from chair to chair, it’s making a secret fort where “No Girls Allowed” is proudly shouted from inside. I remember when my mum use to say ‘I can’t have nice things!’ I relate to that now.

5.Fighting with Daddy before bed time is the normal way to wind down and it normally ends in tears! Usually it’s the dad crying as your son graces his teeth with an accidental headbutt or a mini dig to the crown jewels & a very angry momma watching over, shouting “I TOLD YOU NOT TO WIND HIM UP!”

6. Mom’s the word. If it’s time to play or be wild, that’s when daddy takes control. If it’s time to wind down, get cuddles or your little one is feeling poorly sick, that’s when mummy takes control. A mothers love for her child is indescribable, a sons love for his mum is irreplaceable.

7.Holey Moly- another new pair of pants! Victory slides, jumping out of trees, rough rugby tackles, all a recipe for a ripped pair of jeans, normally around the knee area and don’t even bother trying to remove grass stains- it’s time and effort wasted, believe me.

8.When I grow up I want to be __________ insert superhero name here. Dreams of becoming a policeman, fireman or any typical human job is replaced by a superhero title and everything needs to be hulksmashed into action. Place being robbed? Hulksmash. Robber getting away? Hulksmash. Daddy hogging the biscuit tin? HULKSMASH!

9.Going out for the day clean and presentable, returning feral & exhausted. It can’t be just me who tries to have a nice day out as a family and spend half the time shouting “No Oliver don’t do that!” “NO,OLIVER! DON’T JUMP IN THE PUDDLE!” “NO OLIVER, I DON’T THINK THAT’S MUD!” FYI, When i was talking about the exhausted and feral part, i was referring to myself.

10. Your organised, girly world will be turned upside down & there’s no other way it should be. Life became a little more hectic and disorganised when I became a mummy to a boy! I had to become a little more relaxed, allow a little more mess and alot more laughter. Dirt, disorder & funny sounds became a part of life & filled a heart shaped void I never knew I needed.

It was something I couldnt imagine being and now something I couldn’t imagine being without.

Signed: Mum to a boy since 2012.

https://www.facebook.com/10pointpixelmama/

**Disclaimer- this is based on my own personal experience, which will differ from each individual person & is a subjective truth based on my own personal experience**