Thought id capture this moment of my daughter smiling after lunch.
I love the way the gap on the wall of family photographs & frames look like she is meant to be there, filling the void.
Tag: daughter
Be Here Now.
Be here now, its such a simple statement yet so profoundly difficult.
Even now trying to focus on this blog i am distracted by virtual notifications telling me my attention should temporarily be else where.
I remember growing up, having the internet was a rich persons luxury. I would go to my friends to spend a few hours on MSN- it was like a whole different exciting gateway! Dreaming of the day id be privileged enough to have such an exciting luxury, it seemed like a far off dream! Now it is so dispensable i barely notice i am using it half the time.
Growing up i was blessed with parents who loved the outdoors, we didn’t have alot of money so caravan holidays to Wales or a day out at the park exploring trees and finding rope swings was a real treat!
Now i find myself walking through parks, being virtually elsewhere. Scrolling through things that mean absoutley nothing to me, like a crack head getting a fix from a virtual high.
Like a lucid dream, I waste the days on earth living a virtual reality…these days that could be spent exploring, socialising, helping others, speaking to family, making real time memories are instead spent on a social media investing in other peoples negitive emotions, negitive experiences, declining mental health and like a butterfly effect we are all knocking each other down, trying to build each other up.
Going out with friends isn’t the same anymore if one of you or both of you are social media users. Every moment has to be caught and shared- Conversations instead of being in person is a witty banter exchange on a status…even though you are sitting right next to each other. Pictures filtered to the point of being unrecognizable and i can say this because i do all these things and for no other reason than because this is a normality now-a-days. Like having breakfast in the morning, its almost so normal that its kind of abit weird if you don’t use/do it, right?
The world is so use to distracting us in investing our thoughts/time & enegry elsewhere we kind of lose our identity- we lose our time and without noticing it, we are losing our lives, slowly, day by day by not living in this real, amazing, natural world.
Be here now means putting down your phone, going off social media, cutting off those unimportant ties- limiting yourself to social media use and going outside or spending time with family, breathing in the outside air, seeing someone you haven’t seen in ages, laughing til your belly hurts and keeping those memories stored in your head, not in a status or a picture, but in that amazing machine called the brain- embracing those NOW moments, the smell of food while cooking, the colour of the sky while the sun is setting,speaking to strangers and not having to then share that conversation in a status for other peoples admiration, helping a chairty in secret, the look on your husband’s face when you tell him your going to have a social media restriction (i joke) all those moments that makes your soul ignite is so much deeper, so much more important than the purely cosmetic fix the vitual world has for you.
How many times has a friend been speaking to you and mid conversation you pick up your phone to read a notification or aimlessly scroll through social media? How deep can a friendship be if you are finding yourself wanting to be virtually elsewhere…these habits have to stop.
How many times have you found yourself on a complete strangers instagram admiring the life they choose to share? then deciding to follow them because they decorate their house well or they have an amazing figure or good fashion sense! in real time, this would be called weird, stalking, not socially acceptable, but on social media its completely normal behaviour- this is not okay.
How many times have you decided to do something completely ‘For the gram’ or in other words, acted differently so a world full of strangers would see this alter ego you portray and accept you? Why is acceptance off strangers okay but close friendships can’t be obtained because you can’t stay off your phone longer than 5 minutes to have a real time conversation and be completey real for a moment.
In a world full of shallow nobody’s, be a deep somebody to an important few who get to know the real you on the daily.
Invest your time wisely.
Embrace moments deeply.
Feed your soul daily.
Have real moments continuously.
Be here now.
10 ways having children affect your life….
The good ways.
The bad ways.
and the damn right ugly ways.
If you are like me, a parent of one or more, you’ll know by now the impact having children has on your life.
Its not like a small bump in the road, its like a nuclear explosion of sick, poo, mess and hissy fits.
It changes every single section of your life, from intimacy with your partner to taking 10 hours to leave the house for a 2 minute drive to the food store because your kid wants to put their shoes on by themselves or wants to take Big Head Ted and chums on the car journey. Oh, the joys.
I never really expected the impact to be so big! i stupidly thought i could have one child or more and still lead the selfish lifestyle i wanted…who did i think i was? Kimmy K??!
Reality hit me like a projectile sick up to the face! It was a shock to the system yet warming all at the same time.
Life was now an endless battle of trying not to be late, have money and do fun things all at the same time so the children wouldn’t miss out.
It was a circus act of juggling multiple tasks/jobs while trying to stay focused, cool, calm and collected, until a ball hits you in the eye and life crashes down around you and you realise thats just motherhood! Thats just being a parent.
Its unpredictable, its time consuming, its rewarding, its everything i wasn’t before and everything i am now and couldn’t imagine it being any other way.
So here are: 10 ways having children affect your life.
1) Goodbye sleep, forever.
I know people say you will never sleep the same again after children & i mostly think this is a mother thing as it seems my husband could sleep through a nuclear war yet i could wake at the smallest whisper from one of my children, but sleep-oh how i miss you! My body clock is now set at 6.30am no matter how much i try to lie in, even if the children are sleeping out it seems my body no longer cares. Up and down through out the night to check they are tucked up warm, or being a servant to my son demanding water and then to be taken to the toliet, not to mention how you worry when one is poorly or how pissed off you get when one has a cough đ These bags under my eyes are not chanel, they are netto bags with holes in them.
2) Sex, What sex? (sorry mums, skip to number 3)
I feel i should just leave this blank and the silence will illustrate my sex life after 2 children…
Its not that there isn’t time, but the time where we could be, i could also be sleeping- sleeping is super satisfying also, yes, lets just sleep and then technically we will be “sleeping together”
I promise not all these points are going to be about sleep. Zzzzz.
3) Weekends are spent in indoor play areas rather than night clubs and you wonder when your life got so insane.
I hate the places! But i also hate a messy house and broken furniture so id rather let my son run riot in a supervised (by others) play area until he is absoutley shattered and i feel like i am winning at parenthood! until i realise i am in bed by 8pm asleep again and it was me who was more worn out than him! how does that happen and why am i mentioning sleep again?!
4) Your hand bag becomes a toy box and bin.
Rotten apple cores, action men, dummies, snotty tissues, pieces of unsigned school letters used as gum wrappers, you name it, my bag has it! its a hazard zone of toxic chemicals and i daily wonder how i am not dead from the harbouring bacteria breeding in there. If you think that’s gross? you obviously aren’t ready to become a parent because MY GOD it gets worse! so much worse!
5) A short family outing becomes a full days work just to leave the house.
Hello, my name is little miss always late and if you want to pass comment on that fact, please don’t unless you want me to unleash my 4 hour trying to get everything and everyone together- rage out on you. The minute you are ready to leave my son will annouce he needs a poo, then once he has spent 20 minutes singing to himself on the toliet my husband will annouce he is hungry! so once food has been made the baby will decide now is the time to projectile vomit all down her fresh clothes… and by the time we are ready to leave again, it will be 4 hours later, pointless and Mummy will be oh so very unpleasant.
6) Your life becomes a routine of cleaning the house and tidying- and arguing.
in fact,everything becomes a routine. Nothing is random, nothing is spontaneous, everything to toliet breaks and even arguements need to be set to a very fine routine of daily repeating the same thing over and over and over…. who’s doing the dishes tonight? que the same argument you had the night before. Did you buy milk? que the same argument you had the last time you asked that question 10 minutes previous…#blessed
7) You eat what the kids eat and your diet becomes a daily packed lunch of picky foods and purfied baby jars.
And then i wonder where the weight gain comes from? while eating my own 3 meals a day and also helping my kids eat theres while slowly turning into Jabba the hut but trying to teach them how to have a good diet and have pride in their appearance. LOL.
8) Forget about singing to your own music, if you don’t know every jingle on Cbeebies/childrens TV in general, your parenting wrong.
Seriously, i sing at least once a day Mr Tumble or pepper pig while cleaning the house,including the “snort” sound at the end. If you havent had a moment where you want to volley yourself in the head because you can’t stop singing Mr Bloom you are not parenting right….and by parenting right i mean driving yourself insane just because you like to torture yourself on the daily for fun and keep an easy life by letting the TV entertain your child while you do the dishes your husband said he would do the night before.
9) Phantom crys….you can’t even enjoy a bath anymore.
You know the one, you decide to get a relaxing bath. Both the kids are in bed, you get candles, bubbles, a glass of wine as big as your head….you sink under the water into the abyss…and then “WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT? DID I JUST HEAR MY NAME?” out you shoot, wine spilling in the water, you let out a whimper, slipping and sliding into both bedrooms, naked, to check all is well….all IS well, both children are still fast asleep! Yet your brain is an arse and won’t let you wind down, phantom crys all being down to your imagination….having kids literally send you crazy.
10) What did i do before the children?
You hear that said alot, but its true! you forget the lifestyle you led before- yes you did have freedom, but now in this constant routine you lead, this is your life now and its strangely fun. Watching two miniature people you created grow, although exhausting is exhilarating at the same time.
No i can’t just go out on the lash at any given moment.
No i can’t just book a random girls holiday.
No i can’t just spend what i earn on myself.
But once your life direction changes, so do your aspirations and goals.
Once you have children, they consume every inch of your being.
Do i sometimes miss the life i had before? Not really, because like i said previously- I can’t even remember what i use to do…probably sleep…Alot.
Does it affect you and your partner, defiantly! it can divide but it can also bring you closer together. Its a growing and learning experience.
Would i change any of this, despite everything i have said?
Defiantly Not.
My children make me proud everyday.
They also make me crazy everyday but that’s just the fun filled world of parenting.
10 things Iâve realised since having a boy đ
Boys! One thing i never envisioned was being a momma to a boy.
Whenever I glanced at my future Iâd see barbies, rainbows, unicorns & doll houseâs- the future was girly, the future was pink!
So when the ultrasound practitioner told me she defiantly saw a proud boy part floating about, I felt a little lost!
Sounds awful I know, I should just be happy to have a healthy bundle of baby in thereâŠbut when you have spent the last 25 years of your existence convincing yourself youâd be a momma to a girl, it took a little adjustment to detach myself from that idea.
But Boy, OH BOY!! it was the life adjustment I needed!
Life became messy, chaotic, smelly yet wonderful all at the same time.
The chaos was beautiful.
The pink girly things had taken a back burner and been replaced by dirt, toilet jokes and trucks.
And i have loved and still love every moment of it.
So, Here are: 10 things Iâve realised since having a boy đ
1. Fart jokes, fart sounds, anything fart related=Winner. I mean, you are probably use to that with your partner/husband anywayâŠbut there is something so much cuter about it when your little bundle of gasâŠI mean Joy finds it funny too! Civilised Sunday roast chit chat is replaced by fart jokes and sounds and you wonder if youâll ever be allowed to eat out in public again.
2.Youâll probably spend the next 20 years of your life toliet training them. When we first decorated the downstairs toliet it looked awesome! Andy decided this was going to be the manâs toliet- no women allowed (which was fine by me, one less thing to clean!) It was decorated with super heroâs and the floor was all newly set down. Fast forward 2 weeks laterâŠ.how do you get wee on the walls?? How is their wee on the floor behind the toliet? How had it removed some of the paint off the wall đ¶ the room slowly became a hazard zone of toxicity- one I refused to set foot in on my own accord. When I questioned Ollie about it his simple reply was- â OH Yeah, I missed the toliet!â Cheers, son! ( Donât worry- it has been cleaned and sterilized since đ)
3. Imaginary game play involves alot of explosions and fighting. When my son plays- he goes IN THE ZONE! There is no phasing him out! Bouncing around like a lunatic with his toy of choice close to his face followed by an array of explosive sounds and shouts! Everything becomes an action movie and he is the leading role.
4. Say goodbye to your new sofa. I am sure this doesnât matter what sex they are- but the sofa becomes the most fun accessory to destroy! If it isnt jumping from chair to chair, itâs making a secret fort where âNo Girls Allowedâ is proudly shouted from inside. I remember when my mum use to say âI canât have nice things!â I relate to that now.
5.Fighting with Daddy before bed time is the normal way to wind down and it normally ends in tears! Usually itâs the dad crying as your son graces his teeth with an accidental headbutt or a mini dig to the crown jewels & a very angry momma watching over, shouting âI TOLD YOU NOT TO WIND HIM UP!â
6. Momâs the word. If itâs time to play or be wild, thatâs when daddy takes control. If itâs time to wind down, get cuddles or your little one is feeling poorly sick, thatâs when mummy takes control. A mothers love for her child is indescribable, a sons love for his mum is irreplaceable.
7.Holey Moly- another new pair of pants! Victory slides, jumping out of trees, rough rugby tackles, all a recipe for a ripped pair of jeans, normally around the knee area and donât even bother trying to remove grass stains- itâs time and effort wasted, believe me.
8.When I grow up I want to be __________ insert superhero name here. Dreams of becoming a policeman, fireman or any typical human job is replaced by a superhero title and everything needs to be hulksmashed into action. Place being robbed? Hulksmash. Robber getting away? Hulksmash. Daddy hogging the biscuit tin? HULKSMASH!
9.Going out for the day clean and presentable, returning feral & exhausted. It canât be just me who tries to have a nice day out as a family and spend half the time shouting âNo Oliver donât do that!â âNO,OLIVER! DONâT JUMP IN THE PUDDLE!â âNO OLIVER, I DONâT THINK THATâS MUD!â FYI, When i was talking about the exhausted and feral part, i was referring to myself.
10. Your organised, girly world will be turned upside down & thereâs no other way it should be. Life became a little more hectic and disorganised when I became a mummy to a boy! I had to become a little more relaxed, allow a little more mess and alot more laughter. Dirt, disorder & funny sounds became a part of life & filled a heart shaped void I never knew I needed.
It was something I couldnt imagine being and now something I couldnât imagine being without.
Signed: Mum to a boy since 2012.
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**Disclaimer- this is based on my own personal experience, which will differ from each individual person & is a subjective truth based on my own personal experience**
When society tells you, you’re not beautiful.
Since I can remember society has pushed their âperfectâ body image on us, ironically with its ever changing ideals of what âperfectâ is.
I have heard:
You canât be thin.
You canât be fat.
Size 0 is acceptable.
Size 0 is not acceptable.
Make sure you have junk in that trunk.
Big bums arenât attractive.
Big boobs are sexy
Big boobs are not sexy, a handful is enough.
The list can go on of it ever lasting contradictions.
You see it all the time in magazines. One year a journalist will be glorifying someone for being a role model, the next year they will be trashing them for having a saggy stomach and not âbouncing backâ after having a baby.
Itâs a fickle, cruel world.
There is this almighty pressure of an expectation for a goal that simply: Does not exist.
Perfection does not exist.
So why are we all so obsessed with reaching a goal that simply can not be reached.
Itâs a sad world were you avoid wearing clothes you want to wear incase you offend someone.
Where you wonât allow a certain photo of yourself to be uploaded because your nose looks big on that angle or it looks like you have a double chin.
We are constantly in fear of other peopleâs judgments and are living behind a controlled society based upon an unrealistic expectation of perfection.
Being ugly or people perceiving me as unattractive didnât cross my thought process until I reached high school. My mama had raised me right, I wasnât vain, I just wasnât aware of my looks! It didnât cross my mind!
But obviously that all changes when you start reading magazines or become interested in what boys think of you or a friend makes a passive comment. Even the most innocent of comments can be etched into your mind and taint it eternally.
Magazines tell you what is âinâ this summer and what is âoutâ, while putting pictures up of the celebs who got it âwrongâ or ârightââŠ.and we wonder why these celebs in the public eye are mentally falling apart, pumping themselves with filler and getting surgery until they are unrecognizable.
And while we are all tearing each other apart publicly- our children are silently watching, learning, being influenced by our insecurities which will then be projected onto their future perspective of themselves.
I didnât even realise how susceptible children were until my 5 year old son was standing infront of my bedroom mirror asking if he had muscles yet!
For the past 4 weeks id be doing an exercise regime trying to get my body back into the âsocially acceptableâ shape it once was, it was covered in stretch marks from my latest pregnancy and id been slightly obsessive about trying to get it back to pre-pregnancy state.
My son hadnât taken much notice, not that I thought anyway and yet here he was, infront of my mirror asking these questions.
Thatâs when I realised I needed to stop obsessing, I needed to focus on what was important. Self acceptance and teaching him about it too.
Change starts from withinâŠif we keep allowing society to tell us we are ugly that is what we will believe and if we believe it, it is what we will tell are children to believe too.
When in actual fact it isnât you that is ugly- you are fearfully and wonderfully made,it is society that is ugly, not you.
There is no such thing as a perfect nose, smile, body image, lookâŠ.isnât beauty in the eye of the beholder anyway? And with 7 billion people on this planet, itâs a mere impossible task to impress everyone.
The things we should be projecting into society is love, acceptance and kindess- these are the things we should be teaching our children- that the idea of perfection isnât a true goal, but you can try and be a good person- not perfect, but good.
Your looks will fade, beauty is fleeting- but if you have a good soul, that is what people will remember! That is what will be said at your funeral, not that you looked bang tidy in your bandage dress and louboutins.
Featuring- my scarred but proud me.
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The 10 Truths about becoming a new Mummy.
**Disclaimer- this is based on my own personal experience, which will differ from each individual person & is a subjective truth based on my own personal experiences**
When i first fell pregnant at the age of 25, I felt prepared. Me & Andrew had been together just over a year and were now living together in a flat, we even had a pet hamster called Amber, some might say we had it allâŠ. obviously that is a joke.
The 1st 4 months where Hell. I had all day sickness and my hormones were playing Jekyll and Hyde. I was a nightmare to be around and my best friend became a toilet.
The next 5 months went from 0 to 100, we became home owners, we moved into a new area and I had ballooned into a human marshmallow. I wasnât glowing, I was bloomin gross.
Id decorated the babys room in neutral tones, I knew I was having a boy but the thought of having an all blue room didnât appeal to me, plus, itâs easier to hide neutral paint mistakes and I was no Picasso when it came to painting.
I was full of anticipation waiting for the baby to arrive! I was going to be one of those Pinterest mums, the mum who had her sh*t together, who took arty photos and made her own baby food in a blenderâŠ2012 wasnât going to know what hit itâŠ.I was so readyâŠ.so so ready to be a mum, a Pinterest mum!
until the day he was born⊠& then reality punched me like a mini dig in the tit.
I AM NOT READY FOR THIS! I AM SO NOT READY FOR THIS!
Holy Cow! What have I done?? This little 8lb10oz blob of cuteness was my responsibility for LIFE! I canât even remember the last time I cleaned out the hamster?! How am I going to cope with this mini version of my husband staring back at me.
I felt betrayed, I had carried him in my womb for 9 months! Vomitted, cried, gotten fat⊠The absoutle audacity that he comes out looking like his Dad!
Night blurred into day, day blurred into night, I could of auditioned as an extra in the walking dead, I certainly felt the part.
Slowly my Pinterest mum dream had gone down the pooper. This wasnât like the movies. Iâd gotten poop on my face, wee in my hair, sick in my mouth (not mine)- my hair was falling out in clumps, my skin was pale and spotty & my stomach resembled a saggy scrotum⊠Iâd never felt less Pinteresty in my life.
But, maybe this is normal? Maybe I am amoung the many and the Pinterest mums are the few?
Maybe this WAS the reality. The beautiful but ugly truthâŠ
So here is my perspective on what becoming a new Mummy felt like- in the form of a 10 point Pinterest form, oh the ironyâŠ.Enjoy
1. Itâs overwhelming. I remember not long after Oliver was born everyone wanted to see him! This is obviously the protocol and totally normal! New baby pops out, family cluster in. But no body tells you how overwhelming it all is! I was pale, sore & exhausted, id spent all night watching his chest rise and fall not being able to sleep with aniexty and excitement & next thing i know its morning and my room was flooded with family and well wishes and all I wanted to do was cry. For no reason at all. It just felt like it was the best outlet, so I did! I walked into the little toliet in my room, closed the door and cried, & it felt great.
2. It can be Lonley. After the 2 weeks paternity was up and Andy had gone back to work, it was lonley. Which seems strange in itself. How can looking after a baby be lonley when you are not alone?! But, even though your body has produced this beautiful human being, the Apple of your eye, your child is still a stranger and it takes time getting to know one another, understanding each cry and wimperâŠwhatâs a poop face and whats a trapped wind face, are you happy? Or are you about to puke all over my brand new sofa? These things take time and the process can be a Lonley oneâŠbut thatâs okay, soon enough they will become your sidekick and life we be balanced again.
3. Lack of sleep makes you Cray Cray! This is a given! But have you ever been so tired you hallucinate? Or feel like you have just downed 10 litres of vodka? Slurring my words or thinking I saw things in the corner of my eye became a daily occurrence, sleep deprivation was sending me over the edgeâŠbut I got through it knowing it wasnât forever or putting Andrew on nightfeed duty for the weekend much to his dismay.
4. Sleep when the baby sleeps is the worst advice everâŠbecause itâs just not going to happen. Chances are, you are so preoccupied with your new addition that the house has been a tad on the neglected side. So when the baby sleeps and you see that mini mold world that has started to thrive on your 4 day old dish, nesting mummy will take over and that 1 dish you planned to wash becomes a whole house spring clean and by the time you are done, itâs time for the babies next feed. NO Sleep 1- Zombie Mum 0.
5.Your hair will fall out in clumps and your little angel will contribute to it also. I was so proud of my thick luscious locks after Oliver was born! 8 weeks later, I was pulling hairs out his mouth, untangling hairs that had got wrapped around his dummy, hair tumble weeds were rolling past like something out the wild west & when they werenât naturally depositing everywhere,Oliver would grab aload while learning how to control his motor skills and just yank chunks out at a time. Marvellous.
6. You will hate your partner for the next 6 months for no reason at all. Poor Andrew, he did try! But he couldnât do right from wrong. The sound of his breathing simply annoyed me. Watching him change the babies nappy aggravated me, he didnât do it the correct wayâŠmy way! Heâd excite the baby just before a nap or jiggly him straight after a bottleâŠhe would pretend to be asleep during a night feed and then âwake upâ after Iâd finishâŠsuch a cowinkadink darling! But more than anything, I was simply a hormonal crank and he was in the firing line. Sorry Hubs.
7. You will become Doctor Google. I canât tell you the amount of times I have diagnosed my children with something awful! As soon as a sniffle happens I am on Google searching their symptoms, the outcome is always alot less servere than the Google diagnosesâŠalways.
8. You feel awful for the amount of worry you put your own parents through. My Dad has always been dramatic, whenever myself or my siblings put my dad through anything mildly traumatic he would cry out how we are going to put him in an early grave⊠I canât tell you how much I relate to this now. From the day your baby is born you have this fierce need to protect them inscribed on your hardware. There is no mountain you wouldnât move for them. Life becomes one big ball of aniexty & dread, sprinkled with love.
9. Sometimes you sit there and think, why did I sign up for this? Now I donât mean that in a bad way, I always wanted to be a mum and know I am extremely fortunate to be one, I never take that forgranted. But there are times when I think, I will worry for the rest of my life, there will not be a day were I do not worryâŠwhy did I sign up to be a constant ball of worry? When did I become Eeyore outta Winne the Pooh?
10. It gets better! Contrary to what i have said previously, it does get better. The dark clouds lift, you get into routine, you learn your babies needs, their crys, you become best buddies. Yes the worry will never stop, but thatâs apart of Life, a part that can take a backseat at times and be replaced by the new laidback mum you admired on Pinterest. No,I will not let my son paint in the house or make slime and I will probably never take a quirky photo or a cake smash oneâŠhe is to old now anyway and the thought of the cleaning aftermath fills me with dread. But I got through it enough to, 5 years down the line, decide a brother or sister was good a idea & i havenât looked back since.
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Pixel Mama 